Cosplaying scares me right now. I don't know if it scares me more the fact that I don't feel like I'm strong enough to stand behind myself, or the fact that I don't think anyone around me cares about cosplay the way that I do. My mom seems to see it as just-- knitting. My boyfriend seems to see it as-- almost a big video game. And i seem to see it as this giant stressful knot in the back of my head.
Truth be told-- The photographer that I thought i was going to have for Katsucon basically bailed on me. I asked for a whole lot of cosplay stuff for Christmas, and I didn't get any of it. The only thing I got usable was the eyeliner that I use for conventions which is a whopping $10.
I guess it just makes me feel more like there's not anyone around her supporting me on this. They just see it as some sort of hobby and I truly want to make it my life. I want to get in cosplay magazines and I want people to see the work that I put out and to appreciate it.
Real life hasn't been the best to me right now, and I spend most of my time either at work trying not to cry, or in bed sleeping, or in bed crying. The only time I feel like i can sleep is after 4:00am, and I haven't worked on a single cosplay thing in this period of time. Anyways. I started this blog post to try to tell you what I feel about cosplay, and why it's not just dressing up in costumes.
I get told all the time that I'm beautiful, but I also get told seemingly 3x more how ugly I am. How my pants are too low, or my hair is greasy, or my piercings look trashy and there's too many of them. At cons, I slather an ass load of make-up on my face, and it's the one time i'm fair to present myself as a girl. I take out the holes, and cover them with spirit glue and concealer till I even forget their there.
Cosplaying gives me that one time that I can dress up, and I can feel beautiful in something that I made. It makes me feel whole, and it hurts me all at the same time. Every person's eyes that I don't turn kind of stings somewhere deep in my heart, and I smile but the truth is that the costumes are literally my blood, sweat, and tears and the fact that you can't give me attention hurts.
I guess that's what the 388 fans on facebook are for huh? It's hard to seem this perfect person, as well as someone normal, someone who's going to be knee deep in credit card debt because she just wants to dress up for the upcoming con. With all that pain, with all that blood sweat and tears, i get the trash talk from the people around here.
They tell me i'm not a real cosplayer because I don't know my characters well enough. They tell me i'm not beautiful and that cosplaying is just another excuse to being a glorified slut. They humiliate me and the work that I do, to the point that my boyfriend has to be the one telling me i'm beautiful a million times a night so that I can feel the umph to just go out again.
I thought that this would turn into some inspirational thing to get me up and motivated and cutting out foam feathers, but it's just kind of made me a crying ball feeling like I really suck because I can't even make myself get up and cut out foam feathers.
Next costume is Lucy from Eflen lied, and Gwendolyn from Odin Sphere. Gwendolyn may not be done until Otakon due to my wonderful lack of drive. Rogue is done. If you have any questions towards what I did for the costume just message me [here]. Maybe I'll get around to making some sort of video post or something that explains everything in detail... These are the cosplay lows... Over and out.
